Fall Into All He Is
Sitting on the edge of the world, where the tide kisses the shoreline and the sun dips below the horizon, hues of orange and pink reflect off of teal water. Our toes play in the sand as I find safety in the warmth and comfort of his arms. We pour red wine in plastic cups and prepare a paper plate of cheese and crackers. Our perfect date—our great escape from the looming reality.
Two weeks earlier, our greatest dread was handed to us on a silver platter. His next military assignment chimed in the inbox. Sitting on the couch, with bated breath, we opened the email that read “Congratulations!”, but there was no feeling of excitement—no sense of winning.
We read the location and froze—a year-long deployment.
It was written plainly, but all I saw was “life without him, an empty seat at the table, a cold bed, a father missing milestones that mark little lives growing.” A tidal wave of emotions crashed within. We were supposed to move together and start somewhere new as a family, but the reality is we cannot go where he is stationed next. Our hearts cracked—splitting in every direction—shattering togetherness, stability, and comfort. Silence echoed through the house and sent my head spinning.
Two days after we found out, he left for a month-long training in Florida. This life-altering reality dropped and then he was gone. So I made last minute arrangements to visit him. We needed time together to figure out what it all meant. I was living in a chaotic mess of emotions and needed to find solid ground. I needed my husband, and I needed space to hear God.
After miles of walking along the sandy beach, praying through anger and disbelief, we sat together and looked out. With my gaze fixed on the teal tide’s rhythm, the sea entranced me with her constant pattern, her unwavering song. It was almost as if she was calling out to someone—her Maker. And, in that moment, He was teaching me, showing me His mysterious faithfulness through her song. The tossing and rolling, the billowing and breaking, of those waves were heard by God. The sea’s song didn’t fall on deaf ears. And it was then I knew that something in my heart was also heard. All of my questions tossing and rolling, and my pain, sorrow, and unspoken prayers billowing and breaking within were heard, seen, known, and felt by God.
Even now, months later, I hear the groan of my heart—anticipating the military-ordered season of separation from my husband, and I ache for a different story. My weakness and pain were magnified on the beach that day, and I realized, we all have a choice to make in our most desperate moments. Do we flee from the presence of God out of bitterness and disappointment, or do we seek refuge to unwind and ask all of the questions under the wings of the Almighty whose promise remains forever?
In 2 Timothy 1:13 it says, “if we are faithless, he remains faithful – for he cannot deny himself.”
When the news of this deployment shattered me and sent my faith careening down a raging river of anger and doubt, the truth of who God is held me close. He remains faithful when I find myself desperate and faithless.
So, how can we—believers in a good God—draw from the well of strength and stability in a whirl of chaos? How can we possibly sit, surrounded by peace, and settle in with comfort when deep, soul-strong sorrow wells up from within?
We trust the faithfulness of God. We find comfort in His arms even when the arms of our loved ones aren’t there to hold us. We fall into the strength of the holy, nail-pierced hands that keep us close and breathe life into our lungs everyday. We remind ourselves of and fervently pray the very words in His Word.
“Remember the word to your servant, in which you have made me hope. This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.” Psalm 119:49-50
So let us white-knuckle this hope until our hands bleed, our bones ache, and our depths scream out in desperation, because when we are undone to the end of who we are, we fall into all He is. For He is the goodness of a sunset studded with a golden sun. He is the Creator and the Maker of the tide’s song. He is the peace that far surpasses our understanding. He is all we are, all we cannot be, and all we need.
